The pursuit of 'Happy''ness!!!

But I do believe… That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me Please say honestly you won’t give up on me And I shall believe And I shall believe. ~Sheryl Crow, I Shall Believe. I had this posting on how I don't believe in love anymore and that the pursuit of it, in our modern day and age is well pointless. I also had this whole thing that I don't believe in it anymore but I can't necessarily say that I believe what I wrote in its entirety - it was completely written out of frustration. So I removed my rant about modern love although it had some good points.It’s not the point I want to make. I came across Sheryl Crow’s song on a site where a good woman speaks of heartache (and for this reason only, I will not post a link to her site, out of respect for her grieving). And I stopped because the lyrics speak volumes and this is the point I had wanted to make. I grew up with expectations of what 'happy'ness was to look like (and the absolute worst real life examples of what it actually sometimes turned out to be). Media tells us what 'happy'ness looks like. Stupid cheesy romance novels talk about knights and shining armours. But in true life, it never does. And the more I tried to make it look like the image I had in my mind,the more I ended up with tremendous heartache. And with each cut, I become more guarded,more jaded,more desensitized to the idea of 'happy'ness. I've been happy– and I mean TRULY happy before. Oh I've loved plenty - but being in love and loving are two different things. At least that's what I think. But I stand here today extremely cautious about putting my heart on the line. I have met some great people -but it's too superficial. It’s too fake. It’s not real. And all I want really want at the end of my day is something real and tangible. So… reading those lyrics to Sheryl Crow’s song made me stop and reassess – how could I not? Because it never is what we think it ought to be. Because one has to stop every once in a while to reassess what is no longer working… and change… or at least challenge our beliefs. And the hardest part is then doing what is right for us… and sometimes at the cost of hurting others. My heartache and disappointment doesn't lie squarely on the shoulders of those who’ve hurt or betrayed me in some way or another. I've left a trail of broken hearts in my day (not tooting my own horn here) and have been the reason to blame for their failure. No. It's about owning your expectations. Nothing ever really comes painted exactly as you had planned. And yes, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, the reason doesn't hold a GRAND scheme other than to remind you that your disappointment is truly your own. That someone didn't not live up to your expectations but rather that you had expectations that no one could live up to in the first place. The ultimate setup for failure is usually because you can't even deliver on your own expectations. I've often used the expression - wishing to find someone who is on the same page at the same time as me. But I've come to realize that that isn't even a remote possibility. At best, I can only hope to find someone who doesn't mind reading my pages and wants to read more and not tear out the pages or previous paragraphs because they are what defines me. And vice versa honestly. We all have our own books of life to write. Each of us playing a character in them but the book isn't about someone else but rather our own selves. And if I am lucky enough to find someone who is eager to keep on reading my book in spite of myself then God will have come through yet again for this Capricorn. 'Happy'ness - the pursuit of 'Happy'ness ,the maintenance of 'Happy'ness is a lost art form. Too many give up on it before it even has a fighting chance. We hide behind disappointment and failure to meet expectations – usually set upon us or our own expectations – and never truly do it with abandon. All I want is the wind in my hair To face the fear but not feel scared But the question is: do I heed the call, open the door to the beat of 'happy'ness and keep it open long enough to see if it has a fighting chance and then work at keeping that door open? I know I want to. I am human, not desperate.The advice never fails to baffle me. Advice No 1. It's when you aren't looking for it is when it comes knocking - So stop looking. It assumes that love is a game, an immature game of hide and seek, of playing hard to get. If you don’t want it… you will get it. I don't play such games. And yet I find myself single.so there’s a bit of irony. I don't know ,but I do know that it never is what we think it ought to be. The whole pre-packaged thing isn't working. And yes, we all have our preferences but nothing is ever truly written in stone. And, because of heartache I find myself taking a very closer look at my expectations and opening myself up to the opportunity to change or challenge them. Because at the end of the day - I want to believe.In spite of my experiences and myself. I am my own worst enemy. And one day, I want to be able to write - I do believe. Because I am human and it is a real human desire and need to believe and to be happy.