Penniless Piss Ups -Getting Drunk Cheaply on Holiday..Hic!
I am going home to India.My brother is rubbing his hands in glee. 24/7,I will be looted because I'm the returning 'DOC' from U.K. A major part of this holiday is centred around drinking, drinking and, you guessed it! Drinking.
My friends,brother and entourage will partake in the delights of the alcohol-fuelled culture with me. It does mean that I have to go out every night drinking double JD's and fancy cocktails with names like Screaming Orgasm.However,not being a Sheikh who has his own oilfield has its drawbacks. It just means I have got to master the art of "Penniless Piss Ups".
Here are a few strategies I have devised without breaking the bank. Some of them are less savoury than others, but when you're spending £10 instead of £100 to get drunk you won't be in any state to notice!
1. Purchase a hip flask
I know hip flasks are those things that usually old men carry around. Not very cool you may think. However ,never discount the wisdom of arthritic chaps who have had a few times themselves where they've not had a lot of cash. Taking a leaf out of their book, buying a hip flask sounds like a great idea. I can carry my own, pre-paid booze anywhere. Some of them even come with things to attach them to my leg so I don't have to worry about hiding it in my pockets. Fill one of these up with your own local Value vodka and scurry off to the toilets in the clubs when you need a swig. To avoid suspicion order a coke up at the bar, drink half and sneakily pour in some of the contents. You can easily pour in a double, which will save you around £4 a drink! Now, wouldn't my parents be pleased at me saving all that money?
2. Research
Even though I will visit all the pubs in my local area , I'll probably be too drunk to realise how much things cost. During my sober periods (far and few between!!),I will attempt to find how much my drink of choice is. My plan is to write it down and stick it up on the fridge detailing the pub, how far it is away, the price of the drink (or drinks) and marks out of ten for atmosphere. This way I have a definitive and personal guide to what pubs sell what, how much it costs and will it be economical in terms of distance etc. After checking the bank balance and talking to my friends, I can make an informed decision as to which pub I will be going to tonight and how much I can spend.I call this Evidence Based Drinking.
3. Set a limit and stick to it
We all know the story, at the cash point I take out £50, "just in case" and I ended up spending it all. DON'T let this happen. Setting myself a limit before I go out, only taking this amount of money and leaving all cash cards and credit cards at home. Take £10 for emergencies and not to TOUCH IT. If anything, giving it to a trustworthy friend(who will probably spend it). My bank account will thank me for it tomorrow.
4. Spend the night in
What?! Spend the night in? Am I mad? Well no, it seems boring but if I get my friends to come over with a "Bring a bottle " policy as well as ganging together some cash and getting all the bargains that are to be had in my local Co-Op, it is possible to have a nice gathering (not a party) and get merrily pissed for cheap. Also because they are all people,I know there won't be any awkward silences where music should be. It's also perfect for drinking games and it's advisable to get a camera (Blackmail purposes). Plus there is no closing time, just as long as you don't get any complaints!
5. Find your local Arrack shop
Ah, yes Arrack shops. Cheap and cheerful. It's the best place to go before clubbing. I could drink my own body weight in a vile concoction without spending more than £1. So what if they don't have an entertainment license, I'm sure the rest of the place would love to hear my rendition of Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On and for good measure,I am no slouch at dancing.
6. Start drinking as early as you can
Buy in lots of cheap alcohol the day before and every time I want something to drink, down a shot of vodka. The idea is to do it slowly however, so that for the majority of the day I will be happily tipsy. One per half an hour should do the trick with a break from 5 to 7. Then with my trusty hip flask, go out! Because I have been drinking all day it should be easier to get into and take less time and money to get really drunk.
7. Don't eat anything for 3 hours before you go out
Attempt this with caution, i could get very drunk and sick, more likely than not throwing up my stomach fluids. And, if one has been drinking strange cocktails, it will be a strange colour, (Speaking from an experience when my friends phoned an ambulance because they thought I was throwing up blood, it was just the cocktails I'd been drinking).If you have nothing in your stomach to absorb the alcohol, then you will be drunk quicker.
8. When you're at home for the holidays, raid your parents' drink cupboard
Sorry,Mom and Dad.Yes, I know it's mean but what is exactly the point of all that alcohol in a store room!!Anyways,I have been eyeing that Blue Label for a long time.
Happy Drinking,Folks!!!
My friends,brother and entourage will partake in the delights of the alcohol-fuelled culture with me. It does mean that I have to go out every night drinking double JD's and fancy cocktails with names like Screaming Orgasm.However,not being a Sheikh who has his own oilfield has its drawbacks. It just means I have got to master the art of "Penniless Piss Ups".
Here are a few strategies I have devised without breaking the bank. Some of them are less savoury than others, but when you're spending £10 instead of £100 to get drunk you won't be in any state to notice!
1. Purchase a hip flask
I know hip flasks are those things that usually old men carry around. Not very cool you may think. However ,never discount the wisdom of arthritic chaps who have had a few times themselves where they've not had a lot of cash. Taking a leaf out of their book, buying a hip flask sounds like a great idea. I can carry my own, pre-paid booze anywhere. Some of them even come with things to attach them to my leg so I don't have to worry about hiding it in my pockets. Fill one of these up with your own local Value vodka and scurry off to the toilets in the clubs when you need a swig. To avoid suspicion order a coke up at the bar, drink half and sneakily pour in some of the contents. You can easily pour in a double, which will save you around £4 a drink! Now, wouldn't my parents be pleased at me saving all that money?
2. Research
Even though I will visit all the pubs in my local area , I'll probably be too drunk to realise how much things cost. During my sober periods (far and few between!!),I will attempt to find how much my drink of choice is. My plan is to write it down and stick it up on the fridge detailing the pub, how far it is away, the price of the drink (or drinks) and marks out of ten for atmosphere. This way I have a definitive and personal guide to what pubs sell what, how much it costs and will it be economical in terms of distance etc. After checking the bank balance and talking to my friends, I can make an informed decision as to which pub I will be going to tonight and how much I can spend.I call this Evidence Based Drinking.
3. Set a limit and stick to it
We all know the story, at the cash point I take out £50, "just in case" and I ended up spending it all. DON'T let this happen. Setting myself a limit before I go out, only taking this amount of money and leaving all cash cards and credit cards at home. Take £10 for emergencies and not to TOUCH IT. If anything, giving it to a trustworthy friend(who will probably spend it). My bank account will thank me for it tomorrow.
4. Spend the night in
What?! Spend the night in? Am I mad? Well no, it seems boring but if I get my friends to come over with a "Bring a bottle " policy as well as ganging together some cash and getting all the bargains that are to be had in my local Co-Op, it is possible to have a nice gathering (not a party) and get merrily pissed for cheap. Also because they are all people,I know there won't be any awkward silences where music should be. It's also perfect for drinking games and it's advisable to get a camera (Blackmail purposes). Plus there is no closing time, just as long as you don't get any complaints!
5. Find your local Arrack shop
Ah, yes Arrack shops. Cheap and cheerful. It's the best place to go before clubbing. I could drink my own body weight in a vile concoction without spending more than £1. So what if they don't have an entertainment license, I'm sure the rest of the place would love to hear my rendition of Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On and for good measure,I am no slouch at dancing.
6. Start drinking as early as you can
Buy in lots of cheap alcohol the day before and every time I want something to drink, down a shot of vodka. The idea is to do it slowly however, so that for the majority of the day I will be happily tipsy. One per half an hour should do the trick with a break from 5 to 7. Then with my trusty hip flask, go out! Because I have been drinking all day it should be easier to get into and take less time and money to get really drunk.
7. Don't eat anything for 3 hours before you go out
Attempt this with caution, i could get very drunk and sick, more likely than not throwing up my stomach fluids. And, if one has been drinking strange cocktails, it will be a strange colour, (Speaking from an experience when my friends phoned an ambulance because they thought I was throwing up blood, it was just the cocktails I'd been drinking).If you have nothing in your stomach to absorb the alcohol, then you will be drunk quicker.
8. When you're at home for the holidays, raid your parents' drink cupboard
Sorry,Mom and Dad.Yes, I know it's mean but what is exactly the point of all that alcohol in a store room!!Anyways,I have been eyeing that Blue Label for a long time.
Happy Drinking,Folks!!!
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